Tag Archives: Psychopathy

Fight for yourself


2d2d4a0b12fdae4794c80dae84e568a1Listening To Psychopathic Externals, Is Hazardous To Your Health

21 Aug 2013 4 Comments

by theabilitytolove in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , ,

      I realized that I’ve had a hell of a lot of invalidation lately. Medically, emotionally, and with my disability claim, and others in my life.  What this does to me, combined with my pathological family dynamics and emphasis on wealth and success as a definition of self, which bleeds into my type A personality, is that I’ve integrated and internalized these beliefs and external voices of “you can, don’t say you can’t!” so much that I’m over compensating leading to decompensation, if that makes sense. I’m a very sick chica right now.

I realized I don’t have a problem validating me or my pain or my illnesses , even my PTSD. Other people do. From my doctors to some people who write to me, and all in between. It has been massively frustrating to me and these voices appeal to my type A, so I’ve pushed myself, quite literally, to death’s door from the stress of it all. That is my doing completely.

“you’re not doing enough”, “Stop saying you ‘can’t”, “it’s fibromyalgia not your sciatica”, “you’re just using excuses because of your abuse”, “why do you let ‘him’ bother you so much?”, ‘well, if you’d stop saying you can’t maybe you COULD’. and many, many more examples of invalidation…


it can be hard when everybody tries to tell you how to live!

And I hear and listen, DENY that it’s ‘that bad’, then push harder and harder. I’ve been pontificating like a FOOL on this blog in absorbing all of those messages. I have had countless emails from others with chronic illness, just as bad and/or worse than mine, telling me how they did this or did that and are WELL again. “It was yoga that did it for me!” , “I just decided one day that I was just going to BELIEVE in myself!”, “You know, you have beautiful gifts and you could make a lot of money from that if you were willing to do workshops, webinars, skype and phone” (Just hearing this makes me want to head to the ER from the stress). . . I think you get the picture. . .

I’ve also been told that I lay out too many sob stories on my blog in sharing what I’mg going through. I’ve also been told that my writing can get me targeted by others. I’ve been told a hundred million things that I listen too about my writing, how I write, what I write, and yet I get emails often that say, “I’ve never seen a blog like yours, it’s so real and it has helped me so much to heal”. So whose right here? Where is “ME” in all of this?

I have around twenty people that I’ve been mentoring steadily, with my email requests much higher. Without disability, I have nothing to live on and my appearances, due to these voices and my listening to it, are contradictory. “you’re not really disabled”, internalizedis, “You’re right, I’m not so I’ll push harder” It’s combined with ‘You’re a failure and you’ll never commit anything!”, which kicks the Type A in me into gear, leaving others in the dust, riding the pathological Indy 500 of self sabotage, terror and chasing a faulty success that will NEVER happen. When I listen, when I ride that pathological wave of voices, I lose my own and I get sick. Really sick. Do those pathological voices CARE if I get sick? Nope. It’s up to ME to listen to ME. Epic fail this last time. EPIC.

Over the last year, just writing, along with a few survivors that I’ve been mentoring, with security in even a tiny income to pay my bills, I’ve been the happiest and most peaceful I’ve ever been, until it stopped and I shifted into fear. Fear is when I listen to externals most and me less. 

I’ve been able to monitor myself, take care of my health because I was LISTENING TO ME and understood clearly, my limitations. This bullshit society about how you gotta just forget your shit and get on it, may mean someone could die from that. I’m one of those people. I am not you, I am me. I CAN’T do what you do, I can only do what I can do.

Saying I have limitations is a fancier form of ‘I can’t’. Maybe I’ll use that term from now on, as it seems more socially acceptable. What an extremely pathological society we live in. The emphasis is always the bottom line: MONEY AND IMAGE.

I’m very angry at myself for this, pissed off at the invalidation. I’m sick of it. Sick to death of it. And I’ll be IGNORING someone who writes to me or talks to me, no matter WHO it is, and tells me that I need to ‘buck up”  and that I’m not doing ‘enough’ in some way, when in reality, not listening to myself and instead, the voice of a very pathological society, is killing me. I’ve listened so much, I don’t even KNOW what I want anymore, let alone what to do about it. . .it feels like a big ball of cognitive dissonance, not unlike the experiences I’ve had with all of my psychopaths. It’s INSANE.

Then when I get to point the of stability and more thought about this, I’ll write a post about it, as I think there are some very big knots to untie here, within myself and with my past that might in turn, be helpful to others. Invalidation and my integrating and internalizing those messages, has been incredibly detrimental to me and has led to all kinds of confusion and pain, and I have a feeling that a lot of it has been quite unnecessary. For those of us who grew up in pathological homes, internalizing pathological voices is automatic pilot. It is a lot of work to overcome it. Clearly, I have more work to do on this.

I can write. There’s my gift. I can mentor a few survivors, there’s my gift.

But to do more than that, creates hell in my body and in my mind that I can’t control.

So when I go to Voc Rehab tomorrow, I will be VERY CLEAR as to my limitations, like I will commit far more to doing with everyone else from now on.

Not listening to yourself comes with a very high price and externals are extremely convincing when you come from a pathological home. I don’t know that it is something that is ‘cured’ but more something, like everything else, that is simply managed and I think therein, lies the gray area I’ve been working so hard to see.

Onward and upward.


How to spot disorder: Is your ego being inflated?


How To Spot Disorder: Is Your Ego Being Inflated? Run.

16AUG201310 Comments

by theabilitytolove in Uncategorized Tags: ,

     I pontificate a lot about a ‘genuine’ recovery. I’ve gone into what that means. So I’m going into this a little more because I experienced an attempt by a disordered one trying to infiltrate with their little tentacles out, ready to claw into my soul. NOPE. Not going there.

The reason that a psychopath, sociopath or narcissist is able to get into your life and down your pants so fast to seal the deal is ego inflation. Who doesn’t like to be told that they’re wonderful, right?
imageI think we make ‘nice’ of the reasons our disordered ones were allowed into our lives and I see this when page admins ‘lure’ survivors, when describing what happened: “He exploited all of your GOOD qualities! Bastard! He saw all the GOOD in you and that’s why you were targeted! Yes, he took all of those GOOD things about you, your POOR THING and exploited them for his OWN benefit!” I’m exaggerating this of course, but it’s irritating when I see it. It’s also questionable because it doesn’t feel honest to me.

Recovery is the greatest opportunity you will ever have in getting to know yourself, warts and all.

Well, what they say is only half true. He took your ‘good’ qualities and elevated it to rock star status. Healthy people do not need this kind of ego stroking and healthy people do not need to ego stroke in this way either.

imageAny abuser, whether it’s a disordered one or not, knows that you’re probably not going to date him if he’s throwing you up against walls and down stairs, or twisting your arm, or devaluing you and calling you names, right?

That’s only logical, but with a disordered one, they study you, they do it through Google searches, your face book page, and they will even create fake profiles and message your friends, claiming to be an old friend of the past and that they want to surprise you but need a little more info, and of course, friends willingly do this without exercising any caution on your behalf with privacy. They are really good at getting information on you, your friends and out of you, with all of that ego boosting, you fill in all the blanks.

So he takes all of this and gets out his ego inflating machine and turns on the air attached to your ego…pump, pump. pump. . . and soon enough, there is enough air in that ego that you’re literally swooning. This is how the disordered creates the mirroring that you’re experiencing, that intense high. It is unrealistic and it is dangerous because NO ONE is that special.

But this is also something that you need to be mindful of in recovery. It’s been really interesting talking to women who are emotionally healthy in ego. What I’ve found consistently with all of them, is that not only do they have a healthy self esteem (ego) but they are also highly aware of their darker sides, their vulnerabilities, so when they’ve experienced targeting in their dating lives, they are able to see the disordered one readily because the over the top flattery and ego inflation looks completely ridiculous to them. They recognize it for what it is,extreme manipulation through ego boosting. It is incredibly distorted and that’s because IT IS.

imageSurvivors can become very defensive about this and it’s frustrating to me when working with them too. I give clear examples of what it means to look at yourself completely, with a great deal of humility and transparency in recovery. It is UNPLEASANT, but ironically, looking at the behaviors, attitudes, poor self esteem, low/no boundaries, mistakes, choices, SETS YOU FREE TO EMBRACE YOUR HUMANITY, and this will be the very thing that will protect you against  targeting from anyone in the future. It keeps your feet on the ground and centered securely in reality, because the psychopath’s love bombing is anything but that, it is fantasy.

The individual love bombing me, was of course, appealing to my ‘great writing’! It’s always nice to be appreciated for the work I do. Sometimes I feel down because it doesn’t feel appreciated so much, but that’s an area of LOW self esteem and not valuing myself.

We all have a human desire to be appreciated for our gifts and who we are. This IS natural and it’s perfectly okay too. I let my friends know often, that they are special to me, and that their friendships or  personal gifts mean a lot to me. A compliment or appreciation given when taken in context and combining the WHOLE person, someone you know well, can really make someone’s day brighter, especially if they’re having a rough time. This is the good stuff.

But when someone is ego inflating me, putting me into ‘rock star’ status with my writing, and continuing on with what a great person I am,  I know I’m being fed bullshit. There are times when I’m asked questions, where the questions in and of themselves are an attempt to inflate my ego with my knowledge about the disorders. At other times, I’m offered other ‘gifts’ that are clearly an attempt to exploit.

I know that my writing is ‘okay’, but I’m no Ernest Hemingway, or Claudia Moscovici! I’m realistic about it, with a level of humility when it comes to my work, where I strive for balance and this helps me to recognize ‘rock star’ status immediately and to ignore it.

At the same time, there are survivors who write to me and tell me that the blog has literally saved their lives with the information they’ve read here. I don’t see that as ‘love bombing’. When someone is grateful to you for your giving to others,it is not the same as the disordered one holding the ego inflater pump. As with everything else when discussing pathological people, it is in the EXTREME. There is a balance. Again, compliments are really nice, but flattery is a major red flag.

I think this part of recovery in acknowledging that the psychopath was allowed into our lives is hard, not because we felt good about ourselves or that our good qualities were exploited, but because we didn’t feel good about ourselves, we didn’t have healthy boundaries and we weren’t aware of our darker sides or vulnerabilities. I know this stuff is incredibly difficult to come to terms with because it already feels like such an injustice with all the pain we are feeling and with what the psychopath appeared to have ‘gotten away with’. It’s hard to admit that in reality, we were duped.

I’m not responsible for any of my psychopaths abuse. But I am responsible now for working on myself genuinely and deeply, so that this never, ever happens to me again and I know how to respond when I’m targeted.

The most dangerous phase of any relationship with a psychopath is the love bombing stage. It is the stage filled with the most deceit, the most ego inflation. This stage is critical to any disordered one approaching you, and the idea is to completely destroy you. Your future destruction by a disordered one is not going to happen without your willing participation. And THAT is not going to happen unless the psychopath can successfully exploit your low self esteem, boundaries and vulnerabilities and the tendency to FANTASY through ego inflation.

Change in recovery, includes rebuilding from a foundation of authenticity about ourselves. Positive and negative behaviors. Building self esteem, boundaries and most especially self awareness of yourself and your humanity, is what a genuine recovery entails. There is nothing more devastating to create a rock bottom than a strategically destructive psychopath.

The psychopath shows us all the wounds we need to heal.

Ego inflation, in my opinion, is the number one way to spot disorder. If you see this, don’t doubt. RUN.

Onward and upward.

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Recommended: Ability To Love blog


There is a lot of good blogs out there with relevance for psychology. I wanted to present the blog Ability to love, because it is a well-written, important blog based on personal experiences with abuse. The author has herself helped others to recover from abuse, and has gathered a lot of knowledge about Cluster B Personality disorders, how to survive after trauma and what the effect of trauma can be. As a professional, I warmly recommend this if you want to know more about these subjects. Her own presentation of the blog, follows:

About The Ability To Love Blog

This blog is a reflection of years of my personal experience with regards to the Cluster B of dramatic and erratic personality disorders. These are Antisocial Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder. These are disorders of the low/no conscience/empathy disorders. More commonly they are known as borderlines, psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists. My background is extensive, being the granddaughter, daughter, ex partner and mother to psychopaths. None of these individuals has been officially diagnosed. Most disordered are not.  All who have suffered in any role with a psychopath are free to participate and heal here.

I do not spend a lot of time on the clinical perspective, or slicing and dicing the disorders, preferring to simplify these experiences for those who have just come out of the relationships with a Psychopath, Narcissist or Sociopath. Once the disorders are understood, which I try to convey as simply as possible in terms that are understandable and clear about the experience, survivors are able to understand what has happened to them in one of the most toxic relationships and with the most toxic  individuals on the planet.

I am not a professional therapist, nor do I possess a degree in the field of psychopathology. I have spent much time researching, reading and reflecting about the disorders in an effort to understand my own experiences. I have read countless books and articles and have listened to the stories of hundreds of survivors recount their relationships of horror with the disordered one.  This blog is for educational purposes to the degree that I understand the disorders, as well as for recovery purposes only and I do not claim that what I write is accurate for each individual’s experiences, but merely my own experiences shared, as well as other survivors who participate on this blog.  Names, some situations and circumstances in my posts have been changed to protect the privacy of the innocent (and not so innocent).

d0b78e72594144c821805a587c99d135I am a survivor of a psychopathic parent and multiple sexual and chronic childhood abuse. I am a survivor of three narcissists/psychopaths in romantic relationships in adulthood. I also have a disordered son. Psychopathy is, at this point in time pending ongoing and further research, hypothesized to be genetic, although there is no solid scientific proof of this presently  My family, I believe, is genetically predisposed.

I have been  writing about psychopathy/narcissism for about three years now and started this blog in June 2012. I am an advocate, mentor (coach) to survivors whose lives have been nearly destroyed by the disordered. I continue to do this today and I love my work. Every survivor that comes here is treated with compassion and respect and I expect courteous and compassionate exchanges on the blog. I am vigilant about survivors safety, as much as is possible on the internet and on this blog, psychopathic stalkers of any survivor here discovered will be immediately reported to the proper authorities. Yes, it has happened. If you choose to share your story, please be safe and use an alternative identity. No one sees your email address on  your blog  post except me.

My goal is to transparently, authentically and with integrity, add voice on behalf of myself and other survivors who have been abused. Silence is the abusers weapon. It is my hope that with education and support, we as survivors, can work together to remove the weapon of silence out of the abusers hands, while also learning to take responsibility for our own lives and move into personal growth and development through recovery, and healing of our wounds.

Many survivors arrive “after the fact’ from their relationships, to my blog or to my face book or email. My hope is to also educate those who have never been touched by such extremes, in an effort to bring the disorders more to public light.

My blog is very intense, personal and there is raw written material within these posts and it can be triggering for some survivors. Please be advised of this as you read here.

If you are in need of assistance, please see the email guidance page.

If you are a survivor, I especially welcome you. You have a home and a voice here. I hope you find education, support, healing and hope within these pages.

Best wishes.

Here is her page:

the ability to love


The following is a list of helpful reading:

1. Without Conscience- Dr. Robert Hare
2. Freeing Yourself From The Narcissist In Your Life- Linda Martinez-Lewi
3. The Betrayal Bond- Dr. Patrick Carnes
4. The Sociopath Next Door- Martha Stout
5. The Highly Sensitive Person- Dr. Elaine Aron
6. Stalking The Soul- Marie-France Hirgoyen
7. Snakes in Suits- Dr. Robert Hare, Dr. Paul Babiak
8. Women Who Love Psychopath- Sandra Brown M.A.
9. The Seducer- Claudia Moscovici
10. The documentary “Fishead”. This can be seen at http://www.fishead.com for free.
11. “I, Psychopath”, youtube.com



Thoughts from a female psychopath


The original text can be found on the blog “Dating a psychopath”
This is the personal thoughts from someone believing that she is a psychopaths. This is not a diagnostic case, so the owner of this blog can not guarantee this represent the whole truth.

From the blog:

I thought that I would raise this as a separate post. I know that a lot of male victims of female sociopaths also read this site. I received this comment today on the post of ‘female sociopath’. I thought I would share it here as a post.

Hi Positivegirl, great article.

I myself am a female sociopath and saw a lot of truth in your words but a lot of what you say does not apply to me personally. I will agree that when the game is on the woman has it easier but when society clicks on it is a lot more difficult to get around the problem because it is all the more shocking when it is a woman. People are a lot less forgiving of us when we do get caught.

I have no interest in finding a man to take care of me and give me money, I can do these things for myself whilst giving the impression that I am a moral person that is not a user. I find going to work so much easier than the housewife role, I detest being in that situation.

I will sheepishly look at the floor if anyone asks about the relationship to manipulate people into thinking I am a victim whist at the same time refusing to accept if someone tries to buy me a drink. My favorite impimageession to give is strong woman, confused.

What I look for in a man is excitement and adoration. I like them to be like lapdogs. I want to destroy all aspects of their life so that I am all that’s left and the centre of their world.

I don’t like them leading their own lives. I will engineer situations until I am entirely in control and then spend all of my time paranoid that they will tell someone that can see me for who I really am.

I am violent and volatile, but only behind closed doors. I enjoy watching men cry because they do not understand what is happening. I like watching them flinch if a good looking woman comes on the tely and smile all the more if they know I would do her too. I do have a very high sex drive but hide it well from society because, again, I want to give an impression of being normal.

I am a sexual predator. I am guilty of drugging men that act as if they might say no and pressuring them… I don’t like taking no for an answer. I love it all the more if they are unexperienced and I can be the teacher. Nerds are the best, always grateful for taking their virginity and oblivious to what’s going on. Don’t get me wrong, dangerous men are my favorite thrill, I love when they think they are in control.

I like women too but am just a little too afraid of that female intuition that would get in the way of my plans. I have seen the film Monster (good to watch if you are interested in female sociopaths) and know that could have been me if I had just a little less fear of the law.

I cannot bear responsibilities. Outside of the house I will conform and do a good job at my employment but it is just for impression management. I detest housework, children, compromise… All the things that are expected from a good little woman.

The funny thing is women are always telling me that they wish their son would get a nice good girl like me and even try to set me up with them. It might be my big blue eyes and long lashes.

I imageam a home wrecker. If a woman sees me for what I am or is a threat in anyway I will make it my plan to sleep with her husband. Even a small offence like getting too close to me or wanting to spend time with me can have repercussions if it is not what I want.

I do not regret many of the things I have done but I regret that I am this way. I envy your empathy. I would give up all of my thrills to be the sort of person that can relax with no mask. I am just a shell. >>>>>> A shell with a pretty exterior and no chance of ever changing. <<<<<< Thank you for the break from pretense, and guys, I hope this helps you to ruin the plans of my fellow female socios.

Abusers are only afraid of losing control. If you get up, they fall.


I, like many others, have a burning desire to DO something for the world, and I try to do my part every day at work. The last couple of years I have also been reading many books about issues related to the world today, and watched world kindnessrandondocumentaries and movies that also inspired me. After some time, excitement rose as I understood how ideas, psychology and internet have the potential to accomplish things we could not before. Some people say it`s too many bad things out there, we can`t do anything, anyway. I simply believe that is not true. Those words are uttered by bullies not affected by people starving and losing their jobs, as long as they can fly their jets, live in mansions and wear expensive suits.

From working with traumatized people, some of the most lovely persons I`ve ever met, and feeling the unfairness of people USING their kindness and warmth against them, making them feel bad and unworthy, when in reality the roles could have been reversed. Also reading about how psychopaths can climb to high positions in the society EXACTLY because they don`t fear stepping at toes (Watch the documentary I am Fishead for more on this) scares me even more. But, remembering that just 1 – 2 % of the populations truly have no conscious (still the number is so high that we all will encounter one of them quite often. The staggering number is still big when you think about how many people inhabit this planet. Some have even noticed that capitalism is as built for psychopaths, what do they care if Greece goes bankrupt as long as they get their cash and power?

All this made me realize: People trying to make the world worse, will always be a challenge, but they will NOT accomplish this if others protest. The internet makes this possible, and by spreading an attitude of compassion, we can work against this tendency. In his book, “Defense Against the Psychopath,” author Stefan Verstappen outlines the greatest and stealthiest danger in the human jungle. Leaders throughout history – the people we vote for – are rarely moral leaders. For them, lying is as easy and natural as breathing. It is completely unnerving and rattling to face the fact that someone can have absolutely no empathy. This realization is so frightening, most would rather go heavily into denial and fantasize that our helping them succeed is a good thing.

“Because of the tremendous destruction psychopaths reap on society, it is vital for everyone to be aware of their existence and to recognize their behavior traits. Understanding them is the first step to defending oneself against them.”

Peace one day want to make one day a year, a “peace day”, and what about a “kindness day” ? Philip Zimbardo, one of the greatest scientists, have introduced Heroic Imagination Project where he encourage people to take heroic act. Do you 142577dfa7c5e25cfaa3466d2bcf5354know that often it is enough that ONE person protest, for others to join in? In fact, they found that the Milgram Experiment of obedience (where you must deliver shock to others) the willingness to do what they “felt” was not right, went down if they “by coincidence” saw somebody else say no. This means: It helps to follow your heart, when something is not “quite right” even if authority tell you something else. Some do anyway, because they trust their gut-feeling enough to do what feels right, but most people look at what others do (cognitive heuristics) because it is easier.

So, if somebody else does kind things for others, would you not want to, also? If your best friend always smiled at strangers, would it not be easier for you also?

But you need energy, to be there for others. For that reason: Take care of your own needs first! Many feel egoistic if they do, but it`s actually the other way around. By not taking care of yourself, you neglect the energy and happiness necessary for giving others what they need. If an oxygen mask fall down, take your own mask first. Not because you don`t care about your children, but because then you are more able to help others, afterwards.

Read more:



Capitalism: A System Run By and For Psychopaths



Psychopaths run the world




More about psychopaths


There is still much controversy when it comes to personality disorders. We still have the image of a serial killer on our hollywood-influenced mind, but real life is much more nuanced.


I, Psychopath

I, PsychopathPsychopaths… we usually only know them from Hollywood movies. We never expect them to enter our real life. But, the psychopath is closer than you think. Experts believe their number to be as high as one in a hundred. Most of them function in cognito in high-powered professions…all the way to the very top.

But… it takes one to truly know one. In this intriguing documentary, Sam Vaknin, a self-proclaimed psychopath, goes in search of a diagnosis. In a scientific first, he allows himself to undergo testing to find out if he was born without a conscience. He knows he’s narcissistic and cannot empathize with others. By his own admission, he’s pompous, grandiose, repulsive and contradictory, ruthless and devoid of scruples, capricious and unfathomable… but he believes, he’s not a bad person. What he is is indifferent…he couldn’t care less. Unless, of course, the topic is himself.

Vaknin and his long-suffering but ever-loyal wife, Lidija, embark on a diagnostic road trip. But, it’s uncharted territory… deep into the mind and life of a psychopath. The 47-year-old convicted corporate criminal has agreed to take part in the pursuit of his own diagnosis… meeting the world’s experts in psychopathy in the hope that science will provide some answers for why he is like he is. These experts put Vaknin (and his wife) through a battery of rigorous psychological tests and neuro-scientific experiments.

Vaknin is shocked at the results. Sam, his wife, the scientists, the film-makers – will they ever be quite the same again?

Psychopaths, who are they?


I Am Fishead: Are Corporate Leaders Psychopaths?

I Am Fishead: Are Corporate Leaders Psychopaths?

It is a well-known fact that our society is structured like a pyramid. The very few people at the top create conditions for the majority below. Who are these people? Can we blame them for the problems our society faces today? Guided by the saying “A fish rots from the head” we set out to follow that fishy odor. What we found out is that people at the top are more likely to be psychopaths than the rest of us.

Who, or what, is a psychopath? Unlike Hollywood’s stereotypical image, they are not always blood-thirsty monsters from slasher movies. Actually, that nice lady who chatted you up on the subway this morning could be one. So could your elementary school teacher, your grinning boss, or even your loving boyfriend.

The medical definition is simple: A psychopath is a person who lacks empathy and conscience, the quality which guides us when we choose between good and evil, moral or not. Most of us are conditioned to do good things. Psychopaths are not. Their impact on society is staggering, yet altogether psychopaths barely make up one percent of the population.

Through interviews with renowned psychologist Professor Philip Zimbardo, leading expert on psychopathy Professor Robert Hare, former President of Czech Republic and playwright Vaclav Havel, authors Gary Greenberg and Christopher Lane, professor Nicholas Christakis, among numerous other thinkers, we have delved into the world of psychopaths and heroes and revealed shocking implications for us and our society

Watch the full documentary now

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