Tag Archives: love

Perspectives…

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Boys carrying spaghetti in a macaroni factory in Naples, Italy. 1929

Psychological and philosophical point of view, brought to you in plain language…

http://www.raptitude.com/2010/10/9-mind-bending-epiphanies-that-turned-my-world-upside-down

 

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First podcast on kindness to a stranger

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I am still learning new things about the internet and its possibilities.. I`m talking english, so forgive me if the grammar could be better, and the nervousness, but I think the point is made, and that you`ll get an idea of what the podcast is about. I`ve finally sat down to look at podcasts, and have hopefully learnt enough to upload and publish my first one

Follow this link for the podcast

If you`d like to be interviewed about kindness, contact me at forfreepsychology@gmail.com with a request. After a while, I will try to pay the people I interview, but for now, the rewards will be psychological in nature. If you like the idea, remember you can donate to the cause (the money will never be used by me personally).

The world we long to see

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Sometimes its enough: We can`t keep bowing our heads in shame when we need to scream out. 2014.

Thanks to  and Monty

Les miserables gave us “Do You Hear the People Sing?”. The song never fails to awaken hope in me, and I`m probably not the first or last one, either.  I believe that the world can change. If we work for it and gather our strength, it can even be the world we dream off.  Barricades may rise and fall but the crux of the world never changes. Remember: “There is a life about to start When tomorrow comes!”


How would you answer this question: 
“Beyond the barricade is there a world you long to see?”

I know I`ll fight, no matter if others don`t. I`m even ready to fall, because I know how I`d feel if I didn`t follow my heart. I`ve always been like that, and I haven`t regretted anything, yet. Misery and tough times are at the heart of happiness.

It`s the rose afraid of dying, that never seems to live

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Some people I love:

More:

Inspired from Gandhi

The battle of kindness is the only way.
There is no way to peace

@ninjafighter

                                Les miserables (World Literature) from Sarah Cru

The sound of goodbye: Last scene

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<a href=”http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/10435861/?claim=qu8nurh3xfs”>Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

The last scene

If you ask people: What do you regret most? The things you did or the things you didn`t do, they answer, with longing, the things they  didn`t do. When looking back, the things you didn`t say or do, linger on. The silence can speaks so loud and haunt you in the quiet night. Luckily, many have tought me this valuable lesson, and today I can`t thank them enough. When the bridge bridge collapsed under my feet, they stood there as I rebuilt it, stone by stone. I didn`t always realize it since fog hid their beautiful faces, but I always recognized them in the end. They saved me enough to see and take an outstretched hand when I needed it.

Some didn`t have pillars of safety to stand on when they built their lives. So what about them? What about those who couldn`t let their tears flow when they wanted? How can I ever compare my experiences to that? The lack of scaffolding must feel like swimming without seeing land. “True”, you might say, but this can bring out incredible strength in people. “True”, I`d answer with a sad voice. “But it still drains their energy for such a long time”. “And what about those who lose their lives in the effort? How many had to let go right before they reached the shore?

I have no answers, but I do have my ability to ask since they didn`t take that away from me. My gift is to give back what I got to show my appreciation and gratitude. I`ll promise to give as much as I got with the warmth of this truth energizing me forever.

Who knows? One day one of them might feel as touched as me when I stretch out my hand and they take it. What if they one day get the chance to think like I do? In an integrative blender my thoughts and feelings have intermingled until this simple truth came out: If this isn`t nice, then I don`t know what is.

m6

Weekly Writing Challenge: Golden Year

Sugababes – Sound Of Goodbye

High suicide rates

Psychology Today

Mirrorgirl

For access to password protected posts send email til forfreepsychology@gmail.com

Mission of life

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“It has always been this way. Death is followed by birth. To reach paradise, man must pass through inferno. – Bertrand Zobrist”

“The decisions of our past are the architects of our present.”

— Dan Brown (Inferno)

Have you ever seen the skies draw apart relieving the image on the other side. It might have looked like some unclear oasis in the desert; Your own hopeful mirror image. Have you ever felt sure on what your mission in life will be? If not, don`t panic. It is not certain that these experiences would be classified under “normal” anyway.I have had some sudden insights in my life, often after waking up in the morning, when my eyes have fluttered from side to side in their world of dreams.

After working with EMDR, insights happen even more frequently
then before, like a thousand blaring lightbulbs. Some people can`t follow
my thoughts and ideas, but we still like and try to understand each other. These people have learnt that I can`t be as rapid as my head, or I`ll confuse people enough to make them dizzy, so I always attach my legs firmly to the ground.

For the curious of you (and there has beenenough question to validate that people ARE indeed curious), you know I have been working on something the last weeks. Not everyone knows, however, that I`ve actually worked for months on what will berevealed as my Mission in Life tomorrow. True enough, I have put energy into this, but it doesn`t mean that I`ll poured over books too heavy to lift. I`ve lived my life to the fullest while letting my (surprisingly clever) brain do its magic consciously or unconsciously, requiring some practical work every now and then.

I`ve asked myself the same question countless times:

Why is life so short? But until I figure that one out, let me continue with what I`ll learnt so far:

“Nothing is more creative…nor destructive… than a brilliant mind with a purpose.” — Dan B.  (Inferno)

and:

“Denial is a critical part of the human coping mechanism. Without it, we
would all wake up terrified every morning about all the ways we could
die. Instead, our minds block out our existential fears by focusing
on stresses we can handle—like getting to work on time or paying
our taxes.” Brown (I am fond of his books, but not denial)

and:

“I’m a fan of the truth… even if it’s painfully hard to accept.” — Dan

can you see the picture?

I also have some bad news that might frustrate some:

From tomorrow I`ll password-protect this blog.

Some might think “Oh lord! I`ve been waiting for this “revelation” for WEEKS now, and this is what I`ll get in return?” If this was somehow descriptive, I do apologize. I can only assure you that we`ll all get our cherries in the end.

Of course, you can shorten the waiting time by writing an email (forfreepsychology@gmail.com) and I`ll give you the password.

I won`t say much more now; Some might even have an inkling what my new project will be (I have belief in the fearless conscious and unconscious mind) and tomorrow you`ll know for sure. Until then, we all make our small steps that sooner or later, might alter the future of mankind.

“..”consider this. It took the earth’s population thousand of years-from the early
dawn of man all the way to the early 1800s-to reach one billion
people. Then astoundingly, it took only about a hundred years to
double the population to two billion in the 1920s. After that, it
took a mere fifty years for the population to double again to four
billion in the 1970s. As you can imagine, we’re well on track to
reach eight billion very soon. Just today, the human race added
another quarter-billion people to planet Earth. A quarter million.
And this happens ever day-rain or shine. Currently every year we are adding the equivalent of the entire country of Germany.” — Dan Brown

EMDR – Cognitive Behavioural Therapy CBT in London

The Unconscious Brain Can

Do Math – Scientific American

Falling in Love Takes One-Fifth of a Second

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                                And we thought that falling in love was a simple affair…..(seems it’s pretty complex)…

“It takes a fifth-of-a-second for the euphoria-inducing chemicals to start acting on the brain when you are looking at that special someone. That’s one of the conclusions of Stephanie Ortigue, who has co-authored a review of neuroscience research on love.”

See link:

 http://www.spring.org.uk/2014/01/falling-in-love-takes-one-fifth-of-a-second.php#utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+PsychologyBlog+%28PsyBlog%29

The examined life

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My New Year has been punctuated by some wonderful reads.  My most recent literary exploration has taken me to  The Examined Life, written by the estimable Stephen Grosz.

Above from Amazon

It is as compelling as it is powerful. This books provides a truly wonderful insight into the human condition, which is all the more illuminated by Grosz’s accounts of the human experience through those he has a privilege to care for in analysis. And this care, this bond between analyst and patient, shines forth from each and every page.

As I finished the book and flopped back onto my comfy sofa, my mind whirring as it started to mentally walk through each of the cases Grosz shared, and as I pondered what it would be like to to be a psychoanalyst from Grosz’s description of the work, I picked up my pen and started to write.

This is what I wrote:

“It seems to me like psychoanalysis helps (in a similar way to CBT – Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) each patient to develop a form of self-awareness of their situation and, thus, empowers them to actualise some kind of catharsis (a means of processing or providing relief from strong or repressed emotions) through this knowledge.

From the many accounts Grosz gives, it looks like this catharsis is predominantly achieved through Grosz’s patients wanting to know they were not alone. They wanted someone to listen to them, and therefore demonstrate that they were worth being listened to. They are valuable and worthy of time and consideration.

For others, providing an explanation for their actions, providing them with words to account for their experience brings clarity from confusion, and again, enables them to clear the mental haze and see the road ahead, and the various routes open to them to embark upon.

This kind of piercing insight, analysis, is invaluable.

Much like slipping into a hot bath, it strips us of our shivering fears, isolation and anxieties and soothes our very beings as we are enveloped with with caring, careful clarity – a way of making sense of our dis-order, which too, is why interpreting dreams is such a powerful catharsis. However, whilst understanding the mechanisms behind each dream by placing the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle together brings relief, all this really grants us is what we already knew. For Grosz, it was the fear of losing his son. I admit, there is great beauty in ordering and understanding our dreams, but as Grosz himself allows by sharing the sad case of one AIDS patient who acted upon Grosz’s insights by going on holiday (where he died from dysentery, rather than receiving the medication he needed), Grosz’s attempts to help this patient understand his situation, could not change the situation itself. It leads me to think something more is needed…

As Grosz notes the incident of an eminent American psychoanalyst (Ap) questioning him as to why he bothered helping another AIDS patient (Anthony) who could “expect to live for two years and hope to live for four” (p.199), the Ap asks, “Why are you wasting your time on this patient? He’s going to die. Why not help someone who’s got a future?” (p.201)

It strikes me that if what Grosz writes elsewhere in the book is true, namely that

The future is not some place we are going to, but an idea in our mind now. It is something we’re creating, that in turn creates us. The future is a fantasy that shapes our present” (p.157)

then, Anthony’s future is his present.

Grosz describes how this penetrating question felt cruel to him. After all, what was clear to them both was that analysis had helped Anthony to overcome his anxiety and depression (p.203). The reason, I wonder, Grosz found this challenge cruel was because his engagements with Anthony were meaningful. Not only was there purpose to the analysis, but it was yielding personal results in Anthony, even if these personal results did not change the ultimate outcome of his imminent death.

As I read on, I could not help but smile with joy when Grosz informs his audience that Anthony, twenty two years later, is in good health. It feels like an overwhelming victory. Not only was there evident contemporaneous meaning to Grosz’s meetings with Anthony, but, there is now ongoing life, too.

As joyful as this is, it does not really make up for “death’s finality” (p.210), which will ultimately visit Anthony. Perhaps I have oversimplified things, but it leads me to think something more is needed…”

The Examined Life by Stephen Grosz really is one of those rare penetrating reads, which will not only help you to understand others, but quite dramatically, yourself. I thoroughly recommend it!

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Kindness to a stranger

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On the page “Let`s change the world” you find our idea for a better world. We have now created a group where I will post information about a competition we will have, and where I will publish ideas for acts of kindness we all can do. You will also find a lot of inspirations and ideas here on the blog. For those who don`t know what kindness to a stranger mean, I`ll repost the idea:

 

Project: Kindness to a stranger

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Give a smile to a stranger, and you might have made the world a little better  ”validation project”

Project kindness to a stranger

To introduce the idea, I will ask everyone to watch this short movie first. Even if it takes 18 minutes, and afterwards you will feel good.

We go about our everyday lives wanting things to always be getting better. We hope that our work makes a difference and those who came before us are proud and we wish for our children to have more than what we were given. As anyone knows who has heard Martin Luther King Jr.’s famous speech—delivered fifty years ago this August~ dreams are at the center of any effort to make things better. And today we have something with more power than we might realize: The internet. It’s not without reason that China and North-Korea tried to keep their inhabitants away from news.The media also have immense power, and even if some might argue that they focus on the wrong things, a lot of journalist really want to make the world a better place. Combine the knowledge, motivation the internet and the media and you have a wonderful recipe: People who actually do something.

http://ow.ly/nk7U1

So, by now you might be thinking: Yeah, sure, but what can I DO?

If you have watched the movie, you have seen the immense effect some words can have. When we have the possibility to help, by little effort, we do it. For example, most people help the world by sorting our paper and throw it in a separate garbage bin, thereby saving the rainforest. So, what about potentially making somebody happy by smiling a little?

trueResearch shows that our mirror-neurons respond automatically by creating a smile on your own lips. This means that smiling AT someone, actually MAKE them happier. Research also shows that being happy yourself, gives you more energy to be there for others. So, like in the video, I would challenge the readers of this blog to do JUST one nice thing for somebody else (preferably a stranger, because that would have the biggest impact) the next week.

When you have done that, write WHAT you did, and if you want, leave your email at the end. This will be like signing a petition for releasing a political prisoners. For every one of you who does that, you might have made the world just a little better. This is what your story means: You are signing a petition for a better world

 

 

The group can be found here (you must have google + to join). I will start to interview people next week, and I will then focus on good things they`ve done, or good things others have done to them. The interviews will be posted on the group:

https://plus.google.com/u/0/communities/104282293763031936119

twitter: @Freepsychology

Facebook page (have you liked it yet?): https://www.facebook.com/freepsychology

Languages of love

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language(s) of love

26DEC20132 Comments

by kajoemanis in random thoughts Tags: 

When you love someone, in terms of romantic relationship, you tend to focus everything on him. You learn what he likes and dislikes, his hobbies, strengths and weaknesses, moods, insecurities, and… verbal and non-verbal languages. You push and pull, adapt, have breakdowns, but you refuse to give up because you want to have a deep meaningful connection. Why? For a deep meaningful connection provides us security and safety, both physically and mentally.

Basically, it doesn’t only apply to your beloved one. This also applies to those we deal with in our lives on daily basis. They can be your co-workers, acquaintances, neighbors, good friends, siblings, parents and/or children. We do this because we tend to seek a deeper connection with others, albeit it gives us complexities of life. We like to make something meaningful because then it will make us have meaning to others. And on the top of all, it’s simply because we’re humans.

And language is the bridge to connect all relations humans can possibly create and it’s more than something that has linguistic features with structure and sound conveying ideas, meaning and emotion. I’m referring to the non-verbal language that can make others feel loved and secured and later confident about themselves: the language of love.

There’s a good reference about this particular language. It’s entitled The Five Love Languages and written by Dr. Gary Chapman. To sum up, everyone has their own love languages. He divides the love languages into 5 types:

–          Words affirmation: they need to hear that they’re wonderful, awesome, beautiful. And if they make something for you, say cooking, they need to hear from you that their cooking is delicious. A simply comment such as ‘yummy!’ can make them happy. And of course a thank you. It will build their self-image and confidence.

–          Quality time: they need to spend some intimate moments by doing things together with their loved ones. If they like gardening, they need you to be there doing it with you happily. If they like hiking, they wish you to participate actively in it. Doing things together and focusing on one another in given special time even though it’s only short but consistently is what they see as a way to show their love.

–          Giving presents: they believe that giving presents to their loved ones is a language of love. They will remember your birthday, anniversary and other special dates because they think these dates are important to you. If you forget theirs or you do remember but you don’t give presents, they will feel neglected and unloved.

–          Acts of service: doing little things in house for your loved ones, such as helping them with dishes, cleaning and dusting are viewed as acts of love. Imagine if they’re busy doing the house chores alone but you’re just sitting there reading or watching TV. They will feel so much unloved and you’re being indifferent.

–          Physical touch: They like holding hands, touching your hair, cuddling and even dancing with you. When their partner can be reciprocal speaking this language, they will feel loved and special.

languages

Everyone may speak the same language(s) with their partners or totally different, mostly due to their own background such how they’re raised. Yes, we can’t ignore this important issue because that’s when they learnt their first love languages (a bit of it or not at all). Further, things will collide when people use different language(s) but refuse to learn their partner’s language(s). Imagine if you have the physical touch language but your partner didn’t learn it when s/he was little and so s/he never realizes that it is important to you. On the other hand, picture if your partner ‘speaks’ quality time language, but you’re too busy with your gadgets and works even when you’re at home rather than spending some hours together after a long day. Analogously, when one wants to communicate with someone who speaks a different native language, s/he will do any efforts to use a language that the other can understands, instead of insisting to use his or her own language, or s/he won’t get there. When the connection gets deeper, s/he will learn to speak the other’s native language to understand him or her more for the more you understand, the more things will get easier, the connection gets deeper and the bonding gets tighter. It will make us secure the insecurities and feel safe physically and mentally. For the sake of it, we will do that in any level of relations: business, friendship and even romance.

speak-English

As for me, apparently I speak at least four languages. The one language that has less importance –  not that I don’t think it’s necessary – to me is acts of service simply because of the way I was raised. I never saw my dad there to help my mom with house chores and my mom would whining whole days 24/7 because of tiresome (well, 5 children and doing the house chores alone, it’s automatically understandable). But this language can be replaced with another one: quality time. And I think it’s more valuable and powerful when doing house chores together because you want to have quality time with your partner, than simply as an act of service.

I personally think it is nice to have someone who understands your language(s). I believe, it feels wonderful and comfortable. You will also feel so much loved and understood without having to be mentally exhausted when relating to others – despite of all possible breakdowns. It will weigh you down when your partner enjoys your company and feels comfortable with you because you understand his or her languages but they don’t strive to use your languages in return. No matter what, we have to admit that everything tends to be reciprocal in general. And when loving someone becomes a noble idea (you give more than take), we must question ourselves how far we are willing to learn and ‘speak’ our loved ones’ language(s) for it will take a lot of efforts, energy and time. Yet, before coming down to the answer, you must love yourself and find the clues of this followingquestion for yourself:

What is your love language(s)?

parents-on-the-phone