“It is advertising and the logic of mass consumerism that governs the depiction of reality in the mass media.” ~Christopher Lasch
As someone with SchizoAffective Disorder, there are certain aspects of socialized living that the SchizoAffected mind is unable to fathom and finds horrifying, terrifying and can result in a psychotic episode. One of such experiences, is spending a day shopping or patronizing too many stores, or running too many errands that can involve customizing too many stores. The Shopping Mall is simply out of the question. Also, the SchizoAffected Mind lives a non-druginduced psychadelic experience daily, as such, exposure to bright, flourescent lights, muzak, commercials playing at subvolume, muted and neuromarketed designs on the floors, ceilings, walls and layout of stores can result in information and sensual overload.
This is my experience of shopping.
The following sound painting (what I call the music/mixes/soundscapes I create) is an attempt to describe and illustrate the internal and psychic experience when I must visit a store. The beginning illustrates the first feelings of anxiety that quickly metamorph into an attempt to squelch the anxiety and just try to get through the act of choosing the items needed in order to exit the store as quickly as possible. As someone who also has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I often worry that I will be blamed for shoplifting, even though I have not, which causes me to walk about the store with my hands in my pockets or behind my back or up my shirt sleeves. The middle of the piece illustrates the dreadful feeling that slowly creeps in and the sort of sickly childish feeling of behaving like this, but being unable to stop it (hence the horror-like, chilling childrens’ theme). Once the psychosis begins to set in, the SchizoAffected mind begins to unravel and to shatter at the overload (hence, the noise, experimental music) as the end of the song approaches, and can feel as if the mind is trapped in a twisted game (which brings feelings and thoughts of paranoia).
(If the soundcloud player does not show up in your browser, here is the direct link).
*Image Credit (used with permission through CC license and fair use):
“1964. . . check out the check out!” by James Vaughn
“Medication Time! Medication Time!”
My music is a kind of poetical literature in instrumental form. In each piece, I attempt to tell a story.
This experimental, ambient piece tells the story of before, during, and after taking medication. In the past (a long ago past), I was highly against taking any kind of medication as part of treatment, as I considered medication a form of mind-control and I did not want anyone mucking about with my mind, despite the fact that, at that time, my mind was quite unfriendly towards me and regarded as monstrous. I explain this, to further illuminate the influence behind this particular piece and why I created it.
The beginning of the music portrays what triggers the (almost daily) psychotic episode (the affected part of SchizoAffective Disorder) and a depiction of the resulting mood and state of mind/consciousness (which is why the music grows from dark to a kind of chasing feel, as if the mind were chased by the impending psychosis). The middle of the piece/story portrays taking the medications (I no longer hold the same beliefs I did when I was younger about medication, I can now see its use and I now comprehend much more about the beneficial chemical effects it can have on the brain, which has an effect on the body and state of mind) and how differently the mind is affected and the semblance of peace it brings afterward (which sort of explains the lyrics in the middle, “Little did I know. . .”). But the medication lasts only a while and is not impervious to further triggers (shown in the immediacy of the return to the psychosis). The end portrays the return to the psychosis. . . and time again for medication. Basically, this piece illustrates the endless daily loop of life for a mind schizo affected (the reason behind the ending looping back to the beginning, although not exactly, because not every episode is the same).
*Image Credits (all artwork used with permission through CC license)–
“biTteRNeSS bEfoRE bREakFASt” by Sippanont Samchai
“Fig.1″ by Vacon Sartirani
“Untitled” by Andres Yeah
Melvin has ShizoAffective Disorder. Melvin has no socially constructed ego.
This experiemental, ambient piece depicts the ups and downs, the good days and bad days, the moments when Melvin is “okay” and those moments when Melvin is going through hell. It’s syncopation follows the daily “schizo” moments wherein madness seems to overwhelm the entirety of Melvin’s consciousness and awareness and also those moments of beauty and tranquility wherein the whole of being becomes filled with peace of mind.
This is Melvin’s daily lifestory. Melvin is fine one moment, and in complete madness the next, then after too much of society’s false conventions, platitudes, consumerisms, materialisms, pseudo-complexities, bureaucracies, frivolous and superfluous laws, governments, neuromarketed ego need for shopping and other illusions and imaginary things, for too long, Melvin becomes shell shocked and unable to function. . . like a thousand yard stare.
This Melvin’s dis-ease, this is Melvin’s life. Hit PLAY.
Melvin is a term of endearment given to me by my boyfriend, Stephen. So, this one is personal.
More of my music videos.
[Clips used from the following footage. Some used with permission of CC license and others available in the public domain]:
“Sand City” by Don Whitaker
“sometimes i want to be a monk” from Daniel J Alex
“War Neuroses — Netley Hospital, 1917″ by Wellcome Film
“chicago beach” from doctorfaustroll
“American Look (Part I) 1958″ produced by Handy (Jam) Organization
“The Samaritans – Scream” from HallofAdvertising
“Platinum Fashion Mall, Petchburi Road, Bangkok” from Guido Vanhaleweyk
Image Credit (available through public record from the National Archives):
“Thousand Yard Stare” from The National Archives
- Melvin (nikotheorb.wordpress.com)
- QOTD Terence McKenna
Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness. ~Allen Ginsberg
This experiemental, ambient piece depicts the ups and downs, the good days and bad days, the moments when I am “okay” and those moments when I am going through hell. Melvin is a term of endearment given me by my boyfriend, Stephen, so this song is a personal one. It’s syncopation follows the daily “schizo” moments wherein madness seems to overwhelm the entirety of my consciousness and awareness and also those moments of beauty and tranquility wherein the whole of being becomes filled with peace of mind. This is my dis-ease, this is my life. Hit PLAY.
Track 1 off work in progress and new album called, From The Mind Of A Schizo, Affected, [NOTE: Also, see new category Journal on my blog for writings taken from my journal while involuntarily commited in a State Mental Institution, like this one] which is a personal story of my days living with SchizoAffective Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
*Image Credit (all artwork used with permission through CC license)–
“juste avant le sourire – just before smiling” by Monch_18
“Root of all Madness” by Chris Lofqvist