Tag Archives: Anger

Attitude and Perspective Matters

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The attitude and perspective we have has a big effect on our emotions, ability to learn, and ability to succeed.

I’m a terrible actress. I don’t like people’s eyes looking at me, I don’t like being on stage, I hate public speaking, I’m terrible at improvisation, and I go blank. But every year I  have to act at least once at a family holiday program I’m part of. I get very nervous and anxious during rehearsals and just before going on stage if I have a large speaking role. (If I can be a clown or someone who mimes, I have a ball on stage!)

But there was one year I had a large speaking role that I had to memorize. I was freaking out! One of my friends heard me mutter that I couldn’t do it over and over. He did the best thing. He had me stop muttering and had me focus on him.  He said with authority that if I told myself I couldn’t do it, I stopped myself from succeeding right there. When he told me this I knew he was right. I defeated myself with my own perspective and attitude. I had to change it. I didn’t feel any better about it and I didn’t know if I could do it, but I knew I had to stop thinking I couldn’t do it.

I stopped telling myself I couldn’t do it and just focused on remembering the words. And guess what, I delivered the monologue to a T.

I was with an older person today and he’s not very computer literate. The whole time we were talking about computers he said he couldn’t do it and that he’d never figure it out. He got angry at the rate of changing technology, blaming it for the problems he faced with it.  But instead of getting angry, I thought all he needed was a change of perspective and attitude. Instead of wasting all that energy thinking he’d never get it and being angry over it, he could use that energy to really focus and learn the new technology.

I think part of the key is to stop focusing on how bad things are and how much you don’t like them. I don’t like acting, this guy didn’t like new technology. They are difficult things for us that we have to get used to. But there’s no point getting worked up about it and fighting it trying to get your own way. Separate yourself from it a little and get a different perspective. Embrace it with a different attitude. Learn what you need to know. It might be hard and a lot of work, but try.

Having the right attitude and perspective means you’ll have the discipline, commitment and focus to at least give it your best go.

I have a friend who was never any good at school and hates studying. The problem is she can’t get anywhere with the career she wants without studying. I think she can study and get to where she wants to be, but she thinks she’s a lost cause in that area. She’s defeated herself right there. She doesn’t even want to try, because her attitude and perspective won’t let her.

To give it a go, get the right attitude and perspective.

You might not be able to do whatever it is you want and/or need to do, but if you tell yourself you can’t do it from the start, it’s certain that you won’t be able to do it.

How’s your attitude and perspective? I think I have to check mine in a few areas.

Why Most Men Hate Depression, Especially in Others

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Excellent post rom the masculine perspective on the negative aspects of social conditioning and gender roles in society, as well as the effects of child abuse on the psyche and how that plays part in social conditioning in the future thinking/mentality/psyche of the sufferer.

 

The original poster also has his own blog, EveryDayGurus.com where he makes poignant posts regarding parenting, relationships, compassion, and peace among other topics, as well as serves as a relationship coach for men.

Men with BDP

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"She'll be sorry."

“She’ll be sorry.”

The Predator

Most people are familiar with the characteristics of violent men, either by first-hand experience or through news and true crime books and TV shows. We all know what they look like: fearless, callous, thrill- and pleasure seeking guys who take what they want and who get easily frustrated if someone gets in their way. It’s the familiar antisocial person ranging from the neighbourhood thug who gets into fights when he is drunk, to the full-fledged psychopath that entirely lacks empathy and uses other people for money, sex or other benefits.

And the Prey?

People with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) are a completely different breed. Their core features are their desperate need for love and lack of interpersonal skills. They fall head over heels in love with people they don’t know the first thing about and then become disillusioned and deeply resentful when the other person fails to match their fantasies. They are emotionally unstable and vulnerable and they feel very hurt and betrayed when people, as they see it, let them down. They fear being abandoned and often threaten to kill themselves. Another typical behavior is self-harm, cutting or burning themselves.

Borderlines can often come across as poor and misunderstood – perhaps because they genuinely feel that way – and being vulnerable they hardly evoke any fear in others. Their melodramatic gestures are sometimes pathetic or tragic, but again, nothing that will scare anyone. But it should.

Emo

Despite of the soap opera-type behavior found in psychiatric literature, between 25-50 percent of people with borderline are boys and men, and males who are angry, jealous and hateful tend to be dangerous. Women may think these guys, with their frailness and tragic personas are intriguing and good projects for improvement. A typical example of what they may look like comes from the musical genre called Emo. As the name suggests it deals with emotionally intense feeling of romantic nature, often tragic and bitter themes. And like borderlines they are often interested in self-harm and suicide.

But bitterness and hate isn’t just expressed by self-destructive gestures. In the emo lyrics you can often find passages that would suggest violence towards partners as well. Here are some excerpts from one of the more popular emo bands Fall Out Boy’s song Chicago Is So Two Years Ago,

My heart is on my sleeve
Wear it like a bruise or black eye
My badge, my witness
Means that I believed
Every single lie you said

You want apologies
Girl, you might hold your breath
Until your breathing stops forever, forever
the only thing you’ll get
Is this curse on your lips:
I hope they taste of me forever

With every breath I wish your body will be broken again, again
With every breath I wish your body will be broken again, again
With every breath I wish your body will be broken again, again
With every breath I wish your body will be broken again

Lashing Out

While the emo isn’t the only borderline male it seems like a pretty good example. And like the lyrics above suggest, borderline violence isn’t just directed at the self. A study on correlates of personality disorders conducted by clinical psychologist Joshua Miller and colleagues confirms this violent aspect of BPD. They had students fill in self-measures of personality disorders as well as other measure of for instance crime and violence. As expected, they found that crime was most strongly associated with psychopathy (which is a dimensional trait that to some extent can be found in the normal population). Also as expected, borderline was linked to self-harm. But perhaps more surprisingly, borderline was also strongly correlated with intimate partner violence, even more so than for psychopathy and narcissism.

Self-measures may of course be exaggerated, especially when we are talking about people with a taste for drama. But other research confirms that this is for real. One study from 2007 by psychiatrist Donald Black found that around 30 percent of new inmates in Iowa met the criteria for borderline and another study from this year by psychiatrist Marc Schroeder and colleagues, again looking at actual offenders, found a similar pattern with borderline being the second most common personality disorder after antisocial personality disorder. Of offenders who had committed both sexual and non-sexual violent crime half were antisocials and a third were borderlines as compared to third most common category of narcissistic disorder at a mere 3 percent. Given that borderline is rare in the general population, around 1-2 percent, it’s clear that these individuals are very violent.

The Hidden Threat

So it seems the borderline personality is a large and rather hidden threat to women (and probably some men too although women are usually less violent). No one seems to talk about these men. They rarely feature in the media or public debate. Maybe it’s just because they are so fragile and look more like victims than perpetrators. Pointing the finger at these guys may feel like kicking on someone w-ho is already lying down. But they are not victims of anything but their own shaky grip on reality, and excusing them or looking the other way will only make for more violence.

Reblogged from:

Staffan’s Personality Blog

 

How to Stop Building Resentment & Frustration

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Consequences

Consequences

Don’t quote me here – but ‘for every single act, there is a consequence.’ I don’t remember where that is written, but the idea is quite basic and indisputable. We learn about the act of CAUSE and EFFECT from the time we are young.

It is only logical, then, that we are taught to develop expectations. Whether the expectation is in the form of something tangible or materialistic or whether it is in the form of having something occur, it is pretty much a given, that we are absolutely correct when we expect reactions and responses to the things that we do and the things that happen around us.

So, we’re all in agreement that expectations are totally natural, understandable, unavoidable and normal, right?

But it is also a fact, our resentments and disappointments stem from our unmet expectations. Sounds a bit like a ‘Catch-22.’

Disappointment

Disappointment

Lets look a bit closer – and we find that although our resentments and disappointments stem from unmet expectations (which happen and our out of our control,) the amount of importance and how we let this impact us – that is entirely within our control. In other words, if I am very much in love with someone who absolutely doesn’t return those feelings, it is a very sad, disappointing situation. Unrequited love hurts REALLY BAD!

Resentment

Resentment

But how this situation impacts us….that is entirely our choice. Will I stay in bed, with my blanket up over my head, lose 20 pounds because I can’t bring myself to eat a thing, cry morning, noon and night about the love I am not receiving, maybe even have to start taking anti-depressants in order to get myself through the day? Will I live in self-pity and continue to obsess about the love I ‘lost?’

Or will I give myself permission to feel the hurt, to express it appropriately and accept it as part of the flip side to all the wonderful parts of being in love? Will I possibly even be courageous enough to look at it up close and find where I may have been more honest with myself along the way and see signs earlier in our relationship that may have shown me that this might be the outcome if I continued with things as they were? Maybe there was a point where I actually played a part in the final outcome, either by being the way I was or by deceiving myself and not looking honestly at the other person’s behavior because it wasn’t what I wanted to see.

The event, in this case unrequited love, does not meet my expectation, but if I dwell on the negative emotions such as disappointment and let myself become resentful, letting my self talk sound like this … “I knew it…things like this ALWAYS happen to me; I NEVER get the love back that I am willing to give to others; I’m not as pretty as other girls, that’s why this happens to me…” (you see the point) … I set the ground for a slew of negative self-talk and self-degradation and build a case for resentment. *Maybe subliminally, but within my control if I take the time and courage to face it.

Anyone agree?

ABOUT ME

I’m a licensed clinical social worker and have worked extensively as a counselor with children, adolescents, couples and families. I combine professional experience in the mental health field along with my love of writing to provide insight into real-life experiences and relationships. I hope my down-to-earth approach to living a happier, more meaningful life is easy to understand and just as easy to start implementing right away for positive results!

Killer at Large

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Resentment

Resentment

I thought I would start this post out with a brief game of ‘name the opposite.’ This first one will be quite simple, just to get into the swing of it.

So, if I ask, what is the opposite of SUN people easily respond … Yes, MOON. Some are not so definite, but nonetheless, we have pretty clear cut ideas of what our opinions are – so if I ask what is the opposite of EARTH some may say HEAVEN but others may say SKY, and those more scientific thinking may even say SPACE. None are right or wrong, just different responses.

Now what if the word we are seeking an opposite for is an emotion? A simple one would be HAPPY and SAD, but I believe emotions are more personal, complex and subjective than objects so it is usually a bit more difficult to come up with one opposite emotion for another.

The emotion I’m looking at today is RESENTMENT. I am not going to suggest that there is only one opposite emotion for RESENTMENT, rather, I am going to use what I feel the opposite is for me.

First I feel I have to have a well-defined handle on what RESENTMENT means and represents to me and why I believe this to be the case. So here goes:

I have heard it said that when I am RESENTFUL, it is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.

This speaks volumes because it first implies that RESENTMENT is a killer. It then implies that it doesn’t kill the person it is directed toward, but rather, the person who harbors the feeling. This makes it quite unique. I can’t think of anything else that fits this description.

Okay, so now, back to the game of opposites. I believe the opposite of this killer emotion is FORGIVENESS.

Power of Forgiveness

Power of Forgiveness

Both RESENTMENT and FORGIVENESS are emotions INTENTIONAL EMOTIONS of EMOTIONS OF CHOICE. – Some feelings, like anger or fear are more impulsive or knee-jerk type of emotions. But we choose to RESENT or FORGIVE people.
RESENTMENT is a feeling we hold on to for dear life and refuse to let go of. FORGIVENESS cannot exist unless we let something else go.
If RESENTMENT is a poison, then FORGIVENESS is the antidote.
RESENTMENT feeds on a lack of trust in anything positive, FORGIVENESS cannot exist without faith.

I believe RESENTMENT stems from intense anger and outrage – but that the anger and outrage are only the surface emotions. I believe that there is also a feeling of powerlessness and that this powerlessness is the special ingredient in RESENTMENT.

Feeling truly powerless is one of the most awful feelings to experience. And may people feel that they regain a sense of power by intense anger. This, however, is a misconception. Anger does not equal power. But it does temporarily sooth the intense feelings of powerlessness.

So, for many, holding onto that anger becomes a type of survival skill, keeping them ‘safe’ from having to acknowledge the truth regarding being powerless, unable to change the outcome.

And, by holding onto the anger, we give birth to RESENTMENT.

RESENTMENT
is toxic – slowly, it eats away at what is good and beautiful like acid burning through one layer at a time, until there is nothing left.

RESENTMENT
is intoxicating – yielding a false sense of power to combat feelings of powerlessness – but it is artificial and fleeting.

Have the courage to face your true feelings head on – the unknown is much more frightening than things we can see.

Give yourself permission to feel all your feelings – even the ones that we don’t like such as fear and powerlessness…they will pass and you will have spared yourself the torment that comes with RESENTMENT.

ABOUT ME

I’m a licensed clinical social worker and have worked extensively as a counselor with children, adolescents, couples and families. I combine professional experience in the mental health field along with my love of writing to provide insight into real-life experiences and relationships. I hope my down-to-earth approach to living a happier, more meaningful life is easy to understand and just as easy to start implementing right away for positive results!