21 Aug 2013 4 Comments
I realized that I’ve had a hell of a lot of invalidation lately. Medically, emotionally, and with my disability claim, and others in my life. What this does to me, combined with my pathological family dynamics and emphasis on wealth and success as a definition of self, which bleeds into my type A personality, is that I’ve integrated and internalized these beliefs and external voices of “you can, don’t say you can’t!” so much that I’m over compensating leading to decompensation, if that makes sense. I’m a very sick chica right now.
I realized I don’t have a problem validating me or my pain or my illnesses , even my PTSD. Other people do. From my doctors to some people who write to me, and all in between. It has been massively frustrating to me and these voices appeal to my type A, so I’ve pushed myself, quite literally, to death’s door from the stress of it all. That is my doing completely.
“you’re not doing enough”, “Stop saying you ‘can’t”, “it’s fibromyalgia not your sciatica”, “you’re just using excuses because of your abuse”, “why do you let ‘him’ bother you so much?”, ‘well, if you’d stop saying you can’t maybe you COULD’. and many, many more examples of invalidation…
And I hear and listen, DENY that it’s ‘that bad’, then push harder and harder. I’ve been pontificating like a FOOL on this blog in absorbing all of those messages. I have had countless emails from others with chronic illness, just as bad and/or worse than mine, telling me how they did this or did that and are WELL again. “It was yoga that did it for me!” , “I just decided one day that I was just going to BELIEVE in myself!”, “You know, you have beautiful gifts and you could make a lot of money from that if you were willing to do workshops, webinars, skype and phone” (Just hearing this makes me want to head to the ER from the stress). . . I think you get the picture. . .
I’ve also been told that I lay out too many sob stories on my blog in sharing what I’mg going through. I’ve also been told that my writing can get me targeted by others. I’ve been told a hundred million things that I listen too about my writing, how I write, what I write, and yet I get emails often that say, “I’ve never seen a blog like yours, it’s so real and it has helped me so much to heal”. So whose right here? Where is “ME” in all of this?
I have around twenty people that I’ve been mentoring steadily, with my email requests much higher. Without disability, I have nothing to live on and my appearances, due to these voices and my listening to it, are contradictory. “you’re not really disabled”, internalizedis, “You’re right, I’m not so I’ll push harder” It’s combined with ‘You’re a failure and you’ll never commit anything!”, which kicks the Type A in me into gear, leaving others in the dust, riding the pathological Indy 500 of self sabotage, terror and chasing a faulty success that will NEVER happen. When I listen, when I ride that pathological wave of voices, I lose my own and I get sick. Really sick. Do those pathological voices CARE if I get sick? Nope. It’s up to ME to listen to ME. Epic fail this last time. EPIC.
Over the last year, just writing, along with a few survivors that I’ve been mentoring, with security in even a tiny income to pay my bills, I’ve been the happiest and most peaceful I’ve ever been, until it stopped and I shifted into fear. Fear is when I listen to externals most and me less.
I’ve been able to monitor myself, take care of my health because I was LISTENING TO ME and understood clearly, my limitations. This bullshit society about how you gotta just forget your shit and get on it, may mean someone could die from that. I’m one of those people. I am not you, I am me. I CAN’T do what you do, I can only do what I can do.
Saying I have limitations is a fancier form of ‘I can’t’. Maybe I’ll use that term from now on, as it seems more socially acceptable. What an extremely pathological society we live in. The emphasis is always the bottom line: MONEY AND IMAGE.
I’m very angry at myself for this, pissed off at the invalidation. I’m sick of it. Sick to death of it. And I’ll be IGNORING someone who writes to me or talks to me, no matter WHO it is, and tells me that I need to ‘buck up” and that I’m not doing ‘enough’ in some way, when in reality, not listening to myself and instead, the voice of a very pathological society, is killing me. I’ve listened so much, I don’t even KNOW what I want anymore, let alone what to do about it. . .it feels like a big ball of cognitive dissonance, not unlike the experiences I’ve had with all of my psychopaths. It’s INSANE.
Then when I get to point the of stability and more thought about this, I’ll write a post about it, as I think there are some very big knots to untie here, within myself and with my past that might in turn, be helpful to others. Invalidation and my integrating and internalizing those messages, has been incredibly detrimental to me and has led to all kinds of confusion and pain, and I have a feeling that a lot of it has been quite unnecessary. For those of us who grew up in pathological homes, internalizing pathological voices is automatic pilot. It is a lot of work to overcome it. Clearly, I have more work to do on this.
I can write. There’s my gift. I can mentor a few survivors, there’s my gift.
But to do more than that, creates hell in my body and in my mind that I can’t control.
So when I go to Voc Rehab tomorrow, I will be VERY CLEAR as to my limitations, like I will commit far more to doing with everyone else from now on.
Not listening to yourself comes with a very high price and externals are extremely convincing when you come from a pathological home. I don’t know that it is something that is ‘cured’ but more something, like everything else, that is simply managed and I think therein, lies the gray area I’ve been working so hard to see.
Onward and upward.
- Recommended: Ability To Love blog (forfreepsychology.wordpress.com)
- Learning: How to protect yourself from a ‘successful’ psychopath (sott.net)
- Two Steps to Spotting a Psychopath (presaspsychology.wordpress.com)
- Why do we love psychopaths and sociopaths? (sott.net)
- The Psychopath Next Door (dont-tread-on.me)
- Which Professions Have The Most Psychopaths? (spring.org.uk)
- White Matter Deficits in Psychopathic Offenders and Correlation with Factor Structure (plosone.org)
- Psychopaths in Fact, Fiction, and Your Everyday Life (psychologytoday.com)
- How to protect yourself from a ‘successful’ psychopath (sott.net)
- How to spot disorder: Is your ego being inflated? (forfreepsychology.wordpress.com)