Double standard still exists


imageDouble Standard Still Exists

Posted on June 30, 2013

By many standards Drew would be considered a stud. He has had sex with an outrageous number of women, and no, he is not a porn star. He is a good-looking thirty-four years of age tall and toned man who is a smooth-talker with the ladies. To the guys he is a stud. If Drew were a woman, the perception may be be she is loose and gets around. The double standard still exists. Let’s look at Drew’s story.

As we delve deeper into Drew, we will discover that he is not only a sex addict but an alcoholic as well. One could probably write a book on his life and choices. In an interview, I asked him a series of questions and gained a new perspective into his life. Choosing what part of his story to share and what part of his life to leave out, was not a simple task—but here goes.

Drew’s parents were married 17 years, but his parents did not have the ideal relationship. There were constant fights and arguments that he witnessed regularly growing up. His dad would go to strip bars to drink watch the dancers, and cheat on his wife. On a number of occasions, Drew, as early as the age of ten, would have to go into these bars to drag his passed-out dad home. He would also be physically abused by his dad and see his mom suffer the same recourse. His mom was fed up with not receiving love and positive attention that she would also cheated on him. The family dynamics for Drew growing up were not ideal. In order to seek refuge, he sought sexual encounters with multiple girls while in middle school (ages 11-13). In fact his first sexual experience was when he was eight years of age.

At the age of seventeen, Drew’s parents divorced and even though there was conflict in the home, the divorce really hurt him. He continued having sex with girl after girl to make him feel good. Instead of seeking a therapist, Drew developed a defense mechanism, which was “I will hurt you before you hurt me.” He was tired of being hurt so he figured it was his turn. This decision led him down a long road of self-destruction, alcoholism, and drug use. By the time Drew graduated high school, he didn’t have any respect for women; he just wanted to conquer them.

Drew recalls one New Year’s Eve, his mom bought him alcohol to ring in the New Year and he thought that was just the best thing ever. His mom had a boyfriend over and wanted to be able to do her own thing that night and so he could do his own thing. Parental guidance and boundaries were non-existent for him growing up.

Drew had a decision to make after high school: go to college or the military. He chose the military and quickly found a group of friends to party with and girls to sleep with. His pattern of sleeping around, alcohol, and drug use continued throughout his military career where he was ordered a “general discharged under honorable circumstances.” All that means is because of his good work ethic (and only this one time he was caught with drugs), the military judge had grace on him.

After the military, Drew and a friend, were hanging out at a lingerie bar and it was there he met the girl who would bore his two children at 23 years of age. Their relationship did not last and Drew continued his sexual activity with women even with his young children in the picture. When he was ordered custody of his children, he had to conceal his drug use, sexual activity, and alcohol usage from them.

One day Drew was having a BBQ where he was smoking and drinking. His daughter came out seeing him with a cigarette in one hand a bottle in the other and asked, “Dad, are you doing drugs?” That day a lot came out in terms of his dependence on alcohol (he could drink up to 30 cans of beer a day), cigarettes, and his anger problem. A lot came to the surface that day and he was able to give up alcohol and cigarettes—but not the sex with multiple random girls.

At thirty-four years of age, Drew is now able to look back and realize he was/is a sex addict. Over all the years from when Drew was in middle school all the way through to the beginning of his 30’s he never thought he was a sex addict. He had girls come his way and usually they sought him out most of the time and he was always willing to engage in sexual activities with them. It wasn’t until he finally sought help and his children’s biological mother asking, “Why do you always have to have a woman around you?” that he realized sex was something he needed—that he was in fact a sex addict. Additionally, when he attempted to count up the number of girls he had slept with, Drew estimated it to be above three-hundred.

Growing up Drew watched his dad drink and he self-medicated to mask the pain. With every sexual encounter, he tried to fill a void in his life, a void that he is filling in a healthy manner nowadays.

At first glance sleeping around may seem attractive on the outside, but when one realizes what is going on internally, that is when sometimes a deeper hurt is revealed. How about you? Are you trying to fill an emptiness in your life with sex? Whether you are a man or woman sleeping around, there are still consequences (no matter what our culture says); what are you attempting to escape from


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